On Friday I came to the realisation that I have a way to stay in control of my life. In a world where I am forced to take medication to help with my depression and anxiety, have to hand in work to strict deadlines, must eat healthily and exercise regularly to stay at an ideal weight, and feel pressured to conform to so many different standards, I have one way to stay in control of my life.
But it’s not a sensible way or a healthy way.
I am a binge eater. Food is the one way that I keep my life going my way. I get to decide my meal times and I get to decide what I eat and how much of it (or not at all). I only realised this on Friday when I had a bit of a hissy fit at my boyfriend for not letting me go out to buy cheesecake, after we’d had McDonalds for lunch.
When I finally stopped stropping like a toddler I realised that food is the way that I make sure my life is going my way. I’ve always been a boredom eater and an emotional eater, but more recently I’ve been linking it to other things. When I have a deadline, I eat more. When I have a setback with my mental health, I eat more. When I am told I have to eat more healthily I naturally want to eat junk. I love healthy food, but if I’m told to eat salad then I’ll naturally eat an entire chocolate cake.
A more healthy way for me to stay in control? Blogging. I find that having my own little space means that I can talk about what I want without having to worry about any external pressures. I don’t accept review posts if there’s a strict deadline so that I don’t have to stress over getting them up on time. I have this space for me, and for nobody else.
I know my main method of staying in control isn’t healthy at all, but it’s the only way that I know. I hate that this is how I handle it, but until I learn something else I’m going to keep handling it this way. I would truly appreciate any of your tips to get me out of this bingey life I’m living, and whilst I’m stuck this way I’ll just have to go to the gym way more so that I feel less guilty.