I’m Not Okay

After running a little poll on twitter about what post you’d like to see today, I’m writing a little Mental Health update. And it’s not going to be pretty.

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I’m not okay. I know it. I’m not okay.

I like to pretend everything is fine because then I don’t get pressured into saying exactly what is wrong. As soon as I say it out loud, it’s real. It makes it true. But to be honest, I need to say that I am not doing well out loud because quite frankly, I’m not. It’s been a lull in the background for a little bit, but in the last week or so it’s been getting worse. Now I’m having panic attacks on the daily (three by 3pm yesterday) and I’m tearful again. All the time. I’m not okay.

In the next two months I have two assignments and my dissertation due, plus three exams and a presentation to complete in May. My head is full of a ton of thoughts that I can’t control – my anxiety is making my brain go at 100 miles a minute, but my depression is picking out individual thoughts and going through them at an agonizingly slow speed. I’m not okay.

I worry about finishing my dissertation. I worry about not doing well in my degree. I worry about failing my degree. I worry about graduating. I worry about finding a job. I worry about having enough money to pay rent. I worry about having enough money to pay bills. I worry about asking my parents for money. I worry about not seeing my friends enough. I worry that I might dislocate my knee again. I worry that I’m going to disappoint my parents. I worry that I’ll get hit by a car. I worry that I’ll get mugged. I worry that I’m not open minded enough. I worry that I’m judgemental. I worry that I’m going to find something else to worry about each minute. I’m not okay.

I’m due to go back to my GP about it soon, and I’m so scared to tell him what is wrong. He always tells me that he can’t believe the progress I’ve made but it was all really just a temporary mindset. I could pretend that I was happy, I could pretend that I wasn’t worrying about 71239 things at any one time. I’m not okay.

But it’s okay not to be okay. I’ve got through this before, and I can do it again. I’ve got an amazing support system in my friends and family, and since I’ve found blogging I’ve got an amazing support network in all of you. I will be okay. I can’t say when, but I will be okay.

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