As I got off the phone with Jack on Monday night, I just started crying. For someone who is a regular reacher into a pack of tissues (or loo roll) to wipe away my tears, I realised that I’ve not cried in a really long time. Not properly anyway. After a couple of days of soulsearching, I think I’ve sussed it. Quite simply, I’m feeling overwhelmed.
A year ago last week marked one full year in my job. Yesterday marked mine and Jack’s 3 year anniversary. Next month I turn 23. Two of those are pretty big milestones, with the last one being a standard scary adult thing, and I don’t know how to cope. I’ve always been the chatty one in a group of strangers, but the one who thrives in her own company.
After the passing of my grandfather in July, everything took a back seat. Now I’ve thrown myself back into life with the return of work and 3 weeks in, I’m completely burnt out! I’ve not had a weekend at home, just me, my bed and my laptop, in the longest time. We’re talking months! Whilst I’ve been galavanting around the country (and further afield) most weekends, everything else in my life has stopped. And now that it’s started again, I’ve realised I can’t do everything.
I know people have more on their plates than me, but I’ve gone from 0 to 100 in just a few weeks and it’s killed me. I need to halt, and yet I don’t think I’m going to have the chance to in the rest of 2017. I’m in Huddersfield right now, Leeds next weekend, London the following then possibly Leeds again. It’s my birthday weekend, it’s a trip to Huddersfield again, it’s another trip to London for Jack’s birthday and before I know it, it’ll be Christmas. And then 2018. And then summer, where I have huge plans.
I have all these big plans when really I need to take some time just for me. If I’m quiet on social media, this is why. I want to still give me all to everything, but I also need alone time. I’m definitely a solitary being and all this life stuff is just exhausting. Honestly, this might be the most overwhelmed I’ve felt in a good few years.
I’m tired. I’m run down. I just feel wounded. But I’m ready to fight this feeling and get back to having fun again!