Warning: This is a very personal post today and it has taken me a long time to get it perfect. Even now I’m not sure it’s exactly how I want it to be but I wanted this to be out there because I wanted to talk about it as I’m sure other people will be in a similar boat to me.
My life feels like it’s falling apart again. This happened last November, and in March, and in May. And it’s happening again now. Let’s be honest, I’m a total mess. My room is a mess, my kitchen is a mess and my mind is a mess. But for a different reason to normal. Usually I’m having panic attacks or crying for no real reason but it’s been a little different recently.
Towards the end of 2015 and at the start of this month, I felt something that I’d never really felt before. Ashamed. Ashamed of my body. Sure, I’ve never had the flattest stomach or collar bones to die for or that coveted thigh gap, but I’ve always found clothes that fit and I feel comfortable in. I’ve usually covered up parts of me that I don’t like (I’ve not been caught in a bikini for well over a decade and you will never catch me in a crop top or a skirt only just covering my bum), but more recently I’ve been feeling extremely body conscious.
And you want to know what’s made it hard? My boyfriend saying there is nothing wrong with it. I know that he finds me attractive; I believe him when he tells me, but I find it very hard to see it myself, and he doesn’t get it. This isn’t me getting down on him, but I think this is the easiest way to explain it. Other people (my friends and family) think my body is fine, and I believe them that they believe this. But they don’t have to live with the body and mentality that I’ve got.
I’m covered in stretch marks from when I stopped dancing 4 days a week but didn’t stop the carb loading that went along with it. And I see so many plus-sized bloggers online really owning their body, being happy in their skin and being proud of who they are, but I just can’t. I really wish I could because I don’t see anything wrong with their bodies, just my own.
I’ve read endless blog posts about how to become more positive about your body and how to overcome your distastes, but nothing is helping. At the minute, I feel like throwing all my food away and sitting in the dark and not worrying about food. But then I get bored and want it all back. I eat when I’m bored.
Unfortunately, I get into a vicious cycle due to the fact that I am definitely one to eat my feelings. I feel down so I binge but then feel worse about myself so I eat more. It isn’t like I don’t like healthy food or don’t enjoy exercising either, I just like the ease of chocolate and netflix more. And through my injuries and mental health difficulties where I physically can’t get out of bed, crisps and book reading are my safe haven, deepening the cycle.
After my exams and deadlines are out of the way next week (aka when I stop stress crying and have time for me again), my boyfriend and I are joining the gym and we’re going to really think about what we eat. We find it very difficult to eat healthily because he doesn’t like a lot of foods, but he’s promised me that he’s going to try harder to stop eating pizza and southern fried chicken. I really hope that just losing a few pounds and a couple of inches off my waist will make me feel a little more body positive. And if that doesn’t work then I’m just going to have to find another way to feel better about myself.
If you have any advice on how I can deal with the issue I am giving you 100% of my attention because this is making me feel awful.